The following originally appeared on 4/4/08 at Exit 51
The camera is already packed away, otherwise I’d have a photo to post showing that’s the playlist on my iPod for the trip. Just a few more days and I’ll be headed out on holiday. The question has been asked how it is that I’ve come to be going on vacation just now. More than the question, is the reaction I get when people realize that I’m going away while my husband is still overseas. I swear that I can see the wheels turning in their heads…it goes something like this:
Me: I’m headed to Scotland on vacation.
Them: That’s great. You and The Mistah will have a great time.
Me: Oh no, he’s still over in Iraq. I’m going with a friend.
Them: Oh. (pause) (pause) (smile) Well that’s nice too.
I suppose I can understand that it’s unexpected to be headed so far away while he’s gone. But really, is wanting to have fun bad if it can’t be with The Mistah? I’ve already done this once where I felt guilty if I went out and enjoyed myself or was more than an arm’s length away from a phone. Those were not good times.
If he were here, I’d drag him along in a heartbeat. But the Army has him for a while longer. And truth be told, this trip was conceived of as a diversion, something for me to look forward to after having to say goodbye at the end of his visit home.
I blame it all on Frau Poshizzle. For as long as we’ve known each other, and that’s been many MANY years now, somehow I was always considered the bad influence. I really don’t know how people got THAT idea. But last fall she mentioned that she was going to Scotland. And I automatically assumed that she was going with her husband. Well, I was wrong. When she got back and was telling me about her trip, I figured out that she had decided that she wanted to go, so she went.
And I envied her. Not in a bad way though. More in a ‘now why hadn’t I thought of that’ way. The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Picking up and going on an adventure is exactly the kind of thing I like to think I would do…I had just never done it before.
In a way, I’m attempting to reconnect with myself, to figure out who I am, who I have become during these last few years. The disruptions in our lives caused by the deployments have been profound. We’re married, but we’re living apart. Our lives have moved forward, but not necessarily together at the same pace. Our life together has been put on hold for over two years.
Without a doubt, I will celebrate the end of this absence once The Mistah is home. But for the time being, I’m going to Scotland.