Tag: Adoption

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Closer To The Heart

by Wendi9 Comments on Closer To The Heart

I was brought up with the expectation that when I received a gift, the proper thing to do was send a thank you card.  As a young child, I would sit at the dining room table and, in my loopy juvenile cursive, thank my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents for their thoughtfulness in remembering my birthday, or sending a present down for Christmas.  Those thank you notes were uncomplicated….thank you for “Where The Sidewalk Ends”.  Books are my favorite thing. xoxoxo

As I’ve gotten older, the things for which I say thank you have gotten more complicated.  And there isn’t always a direct mailing address for my note.  Because sometimes it isn’t an individual who has given me a gift as much as it is the Universe allowing me an experience that will stay with me for a lifetime.  Like the opportunity to see my dad before he passed away.  Or the opportunity to get to know my grandmother as a person and not just as my guardian.  And biggest by far would be for the opportunity to open my heart completely to a precious little girl.

Last time I was in this space, I was asking the Universe to give me that chance.  I was asking it to eliminate the obstacles that The Mistah and I faced in our attempt to adopt.  I know I was not alone in my petition.  Our family, our friends, our entire village crossed fingers and said prayers.

While we waited, I did my best to let go of the fear and anxiety of what might happen.  Instead, I focused on Libby.  I held her, fed her, watched as she discovered something new every day and tried to think about how the world looked through her eyes.

And in what is likely the best gift I will ever receive, our prayers were answered.  The obstacle that had been so daunting was simply gone.  There’s no guidance from Emily Post about how to say thank you for something like that.  So I have to find my own way…by announcing the news to family and friends that our family is growing, by joyfully loving this person who has forever changed our lives, and by saying thank you to everyone who has encouraged us along this journey.

It only feels right to actually write a thank you note, even if I have no way of mailing it, so here goes.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for the trust and confidence you have shown in us.  Becoming Libby’s parents is a tremendous gift that we will cherish for a lifetime.  As I watch her grow and develop each and every day, I want for her to have a world of endless possibilities.  I delight in seeing the joy in her whole body when she smiles and I take comfort in feeling her fall asleep with her head buried in my chest.  The last seven weeks have been unlike anything I’ve ever known but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  xoxoxo

Random

Universe, I Hope You Are Listening

by Wendi18 Comments on Universe, I Hope You Are Listening

It seems by now I should know that The Universe really does listen.  And that sometimes when it sends Opportunity knocking on my door, it doesn’t always look the way I expect it to.

I didn’t intend to talk about Opportunity and how it showed up three weeks ago.  But this space, and this community, has been my confessional  where I have spoken openly about many of my struggles, including our hopes of adopting and our frustration with the process.  This also seems to be the place where The Universe listens to what is in my heart…once I find the courage to put it into words.  So here I am.  Universe, I hope you are listening.

Three weeks ago I decided that maybe I needed to let go of some things in order to make room in my life for new opportunities.  I said that I felt as though a change was coming, but that I did not know what form it might take.

Two days after I made the decision to put BAH on hold, The Universe came along and let me know that I needed to let go of more.  The volunteer position that I had held for the last two and a half years was not being renewed.  This hurt.  It hurt a lot because I believed strongly in the work I was doing and the connections I was forging with the young women with whom I worked.  And it was just taken away from me.  On one hand, I could see that maybe this was something that had to happen in order for a new Opportunity to present itself.  But on the other hand, it still felt shitty.

Two days after that, we got a call.  We got THE call.  From our new adoption agency.  After our Homestudy was approved in the spring, The Mistah and I came to the conclusion that the agency we had been working with was not the right organization for us.  We asked around and got contact information for other agencies and found one that was a better fit.

Throughout this entire process we have known that our lives could change instantly.  And it did.  Our agency was working with a birth mother who had just delivered. The birth mother had consented to an adoption plan but there were complications with consent from the birth father.  Without consent, a child cannot legally be adopted.

It was as though the decisions of that week culminated in Opportunity opening the door ever so slightly to see exactly how much we wanted to welcome it in.  Would we take a chance on a risky placement or would we wait for a sure thing?

The Mistah and I talked about this well into the wee hours of the morning and decided that we were willing to take the risk.

We were advised to think about the situation as though we are providing foster care until we know how the legal situation is going to play out. In our heads, that’s what we’re doing. But in our hearts….well, in our hearts we are her parents.  We shower her with hugs and kisses. We do our best to let her know that she is loved even though she has no idea what that means.  And it frightens me to think there is a real chance that we will not have the opportunity to provide her with a loving home and allow her to become the fullest expression of herself.

We’re trying not to make this about us.  To keep it about what is in the best interest of the baby.  But we have agreed that we are in this for the long haul, even if that means pursuing parental rights directly in the courts.  So Universe, I am here to tell you that what is in my heart is that I want to be this child’s mother.  I want to take this leap.  I want this responsibility.  I want this Opportunity.

Dessert, Sweets

Jen’s Chewy Graham Cookies

by Wendi37 Comments on Jen’s Chewy Graham Cookies

I need to make a disclaimer…this post has been influenced by chardonnay and stress.

I had a meltdown this afternoon.  Walking through the produce aisle the reality of the last few months came crashing down on me like a wall of bricks.  I don’t mean the reality of trying to understand life after my parents’ death.  I mean the reality of diving head long into the adoption process.

For months The Mistah and I have been quietly filling out forms, scheduling inspections, and writing checks, all in the hopes of adopting a child.  Now that we are a single form away from being able to submit our application, and a check that equals our monthly mortgage payment, to our adoption agency,  the stress of what lays before us is starting to sink in.

In case you’ve never met me in real life, by my own admission I am a worrier.  And  a planner.  And an obsesser.  Which means that I tend to get fixated not on the big picture but on the smaller pieces that make up the big picture.  This is one reason why The Mistah and I work so well together…he looks at things with a macro perspective while I look at all the little details.  Between the two of us, there is balance.  But left to my own devices, I’m a hot freaking mess of worry.  Which gets me back to the produce aisle.

I was looking for garlic and apples and lemons, but all I could see was dollar signs.  And please forgive me for sounding dramatic, but until you’ve been in this place, you may never understand it.  Adoption does not come cheap.  There are fees.  And expenses.  And fees on the expenses.  It’s not like buying a car. You can’t get a cheaper interest rate from your credit union and they’re aren’t any 0% interest offers.  Not only do you pay, but you pay a premium for not being able to do what a majority of the rest of the population takes for granted…having a child.

There are grant programs but they require you to be affiliated with an organized religion and/or to demonstrate financial need.  I haven’t gone to church since I was 12…and the last time I checked The Universe was not a recognized congregation.  And through hard work, and the help of The Mistah, we have paid off all of our debt with the exception of our mortgage.  So on paper, we are not financially needy.  But if you look closer, what we have in savings just about equals what an adoption would cost.  So if we were to empty our savings account in the name of adoption, it would leave us one paycheck away from financial peril.  And for once, I am not speaking grandiosely.  Adoption costs would leave us with no savings.  No safety net.  Nothing to fall back on in the event of a job loss in an uncertain economy.  Mortgage refinancing isn’t an option since we owe more on paper than our house is worth.  So because we do our best to act responsibly and not carry consumer debt, but don’t have an excess of liquid assets available, we don’t qualify for grants to offset adoption expenses.  How the hell does that make sense?

Is it really better to spend every penny we have to adopt a child and then be left without any resources to weather a job loss or an unexpected major expense?  Is that the responsible choice?

So there’s the cost.  But the adoption process also requires you to open yourself up to the scrutiny of others.  References, tax returns, autobiographies.  It’s not for the self conscious.  Because let me tell you, no freaking stone goes unturned in this process.  In the simplest of terms, the application process is where someone else says whether or not you are a good candidate to be a parent.

Excuse me?  If third party approval were a requirement for being able to give birth, the world would not be in the middle of a population boom.  Forget about the fact that a third party has to give you approval in order to move ahead in the process.  The standard of care that a potential adoptive parent has to meet is ridiculous.  For instance, we failed our health department inspection.  No because our house was unsanitary but because we didn’t have thermometers in our refrigerator and because our hot water heater was set too high.  We also failed our fire department inspection.  Not because our house is a death trap but because we didn’t have enough clearance around our gas meter, the lock on our 3o year old storm door was not up to current code, and because the fire extinguishers in our house weren’t the right ones.  Who the hell comes to a pregnant couple’s home and looks at these things?  If I were to give birth to a child, nobody would scrutinize our home or our ability parent.  They would simply send me home with an infant, without regard to the conditions that child was being subjected to.

At this moment, I don’t doubt our ability to successfully raise a child.  I have always known that The Mistah would make a fantastic parent.  And with the death of both of my parents, oddly enough, I have somehow been freed from the assumptions that I had always made about my ability to unconditionally love a child.  And yet, there are so many obstacles in our way.

No amount of bake sales or etsy shops can bridge the financial gap that we face.  And selling off the few liquid assets that we have won’t make me stop worrying about our financial ability to meet this challenge.  So what’s left?  Other than petitioning to The Universe, I don’t know.

So I will say it here to The Universe, as I say it in my heart…we would give a child love and stability.  We may not be perfect parents but we would actively parent our child and do our best to see that our child has a loving heart, a strong sense of self, compassion for others, and a joyful and generous spirit.

Does the thought of bringing a child into our world scare the bejeesus out of me?  Hell yes.  But shouldn’t it? This. Is. Freaking. Huge.

Ok, so now that I’ve had this meltdown, I need some comforting.  And Jen’s Chewy Graham Cookies are just the thing to make to think about warm, chewy happiness instead of our second date with the Fire Inspector next week.  Tell me, which would you rather focus on…buttery, spicy cookies or Baltimore City Fire Code?

Chewy Graham Cookies

Adapted from My Kitchen Addiction

  • 1 1/2 sticks softened butter
  • 3/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1 1/2 cup all purpose flour
  • 1 cup white whole wheat flour
  • 1/4 cup cardamom sugar

Heat the oven to 375 degrees and line two sheet pans with parchment paper.

In the work bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream together the butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, honey, baking powder, baking soda, salt, vanilla, and cinnamon.  Add the egg and beat until incorporated into the creamed mixture.

In a second bowl, whisk together the flours.  Add the flour to the creamed mixture on low speed and mix until just combined.

Place the cardamom sugar into a small bowl.  Use a small ice cream scoop to portion out the dough in 1 tablespoon servings.  Roll the dough into a ball, roll in the cardamom sugar, and place on the prepared sheet pans.

Bake for 9 to 10 minutes until the cookies are lightly browned and just set.  Cool in the pan for 5 minutes before transferring the cookies to a wire rack to cool completely.